Monday, July 02, 2007

100% Non-Knitting Content.

If you only like to read pure knitting blogs, then move along. No knitting in this post.

I'm really frustrated and just downright depressed. When I was in grad school, I felt like I was surrounded by friends. I was involved in a couple of different groups, so there was always someone around to hang out with or to call if you wanted to go out and do something. Law school isn't like that at all. Chalk it up to the competitive nature of the curve, the fact that it's like high school version 2.0, spending 12+ hours a day in the library, whatever.

Anyway, I've just felt really lonely since coming here. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I don't have a single one of those "ride or die" friends as The Boyfriend likes to call them. There's several people that I think I could be friends with in another context, but the whole law school thing just knocks it out completely.

I got through all this loneliness by remembering that I actually do have friends, they just all live in other places. That worked until this weekend.

Someone that I thought was one of my closest friends got married this weekend. This friend was a guy, but there was never any of the weird "are we more than just friends?" moments that sometimes come with having a close guy friend. For two years, he and I went everywhere together. We even nicknamed one another "Hip" because we were always attached at the hip. We hung out nearly every night, we went on road trips for concerts, and for three years I spent time with him & his family during the summer at their lake house.

Anyway, I wasn't invited to the wedding. At first, I was OK with this because I thought that maybe it was a family only affair. Not the case. His sister posted pictures of the wedding online this morning, and the wedding was huge. There were 6 attendants on either side, and four out of the six guys were part of "the group" that I was in. Seeing all those pictures just felt like such a slap in the face.

I'm pretty sure that I will never say anything to him, as it is his wedding and he can invite whomever he wishes. However, my feelings are just really raw right now. I think it's the combination of being excluded, while also realizing that I really don't have those "back up" friends like I once thought. Seeing all the people I care about all dressed up and smiling into the camera, while realizing that I wasn't invited to be a part of it, was just downright painful.

Right now, all I want is to go home, sit on the back porch with my mom & a giant glass of wine, and have one of those talk-to-3AM chats that my mom is a world champ in giving.

Has anything like this ever happened to you guys? (Also, feel free to tell me I'm being a big baby about things. I might not like you for a day or so, but maybe it's what I need to hear.)

Maybe I should just be happy that I don't have to buy a wedding gift.

Funny sidenote:
When I told this story to The Boyfriend, he lovingly reassured me that he would invite me to his wedding. Ha! We laughed for at least 10 minutes at that.


Opal said...

Yeah, something like that has happened to me. The only thing I can think of is that what you thought was a completely platonic relationship wasn't completely platonic on his end. Maybe he had hidden feelings on his end and this is why he didn't feel comfortable inviting you to the wedding? Well I can think of another reason. Maybe his new wife is extremely jealous of other females.

DancingFish said...

I was also going to guess that maybe the new wife was feeling insecure/jealous.

While I love the friends I've made in grad school, it is like out of sight, out of mind. I try to convince myself that everyone is just so busy, but like you- sometimes I wonder about the friendships in the first place...
I eventually gave up the one sided friendships I had been trying to keep alive. My guy-friend-counterpart didn't show up to my wedding, and got married 2 months ago without even telling me. He emails my mom more than me. Which is fine, but not if/when he expects me to be around and caring when he wants/needs my friendship in the future.
I sound way more bitter in this comment than I really am, I swear!

DancingFish said...

Thanks for the comment-back. I know I am only about 12% knitting content these days....
Oh, and I also swore to withhold any hand-knit gifts from my friend and his future offspring (due in October). I guess I am a little biter =)

Sarah said...

No kidding, I know exactly how you feel. I just haven't met many people out here that I'd consider more than acquaintances. If it weren't for the boy, I'd go crazy. Socially, grad school was so much easier than this.
If you ever want to chat till 3 am, call me.

Jen said...

I sort of understand what you are going through with the law school friends thing. When I first graduated from college I immediately started my job in the lab (literally two days after graduation). All my friends still had their apartments near where I went to school and were hanging out, and I was living at home with my parents--working. Hang in there! :)

LotusKnits said...

Aww, I'm so sorry about your friend. I had two people I was close to do that to me after college. It's hard but sometimes people just have other things going on that they don't share. It's hard not to take it personally. Know that you're not alone!

Unknown said...

I hung out with a group of guys (6)through High School & University & got invited to none of their weddings. 15 years later it really doesn't bother me but at the time it hurt.

NH Knitting Mama said...

Hi, there! I saw your blog on the web ring list for today - WELCOME! I have met a lot of nice folks on here.

I'll jump in and try to offer an opinion on the wedding situation. Maybe his new wife is jealous? Maybe she has your friend by the kahoneys and he couldn't stand up to her.

I'm sorry you are in pain and I think I feel the same way.

S said...

I don't understand about your friend from home not inviting you to his wedding except to say what the others have said... his wife was possibly jealous.

As to the law school stuff, I think it gets easier. When I started, I felt the same way. Everyone was very cliquish and competitive.

I did exactly the same thing I did in high school... ignore those who think they are better than me and looked from a someone who could be my friend.

One thing I tried in spite of the obvious competitiveness of my fellow classmates, I introduced myself to everyone and I mean everyone.

Thankfully, by doing this I did find two incredible friends in my section.

Don't let law school or your classmates get you down. In the end you will only have to work with them! :)

Lisa said...

Holy crap - that was extremely inconsiderate of him and of your 'friends'.

It must have been his wife's decision not to include you, but come on now - that is really insecure of her.

I found your blog through knititng blogs web ring..and even though I don't 'know' you, or commented before, I felt the need to comment.

I would SO say something to him, because really he is a big idiot!

Nancy @ the Jersey Shore said...

Thanks for the compliment on my Sky. I read this post with complete empathy with this situation. A few years back a close girl friend did the same thing to me. We hung out, went on "girls only" vacations together, had a great friendship, so I thought. When she met the guy, I was happy for her. I didn't see her much after, but stayed in email contact, she'd share her plans for the wedding, etc. The time for invites came and went, I didn't get one. I shrugged it off, as possibly a small family wedding (as she mentioned she might have in the beginning.) I was incredulous a few weeks after when SHE herself sent me pictures from the wedding, on a CC list. Yep, some of our mutual friends were in attendence. I was miffed, upset, then angry. I'm over it now.
In your case...I wonder, as did other commenters...was his bride jealous of your friendship?
I'm glad you're better with it now.

Shelley said...

Oh, I'm such a bad friend! I haven't read your blog in forever. I'm sorry about the dumb so-called friend. You're invited to my wedding, though! And anytime you want to chat, feel free to call me. You have lots of friends, and you are a great person. Don't let his wife's petty jealousy make you feel bad. It's her baggage and insecurity and just reinforces how wonderful you are!

Jen said...

Ugh, I totally know about the whole friends thing... I spent my whole life in Illinois, until I decided to up and move to New York for law school -- so physically far from all my friends. And sure, I did make three good friends in law school -- they were the only ones in the whole place that weren't crazy competitive. Meanwhile, my back-home friends moved on without me. The "group" easily dropped me from memory, even as I still sent b-day cards (that were never reciprocated). One old friend tries to keep me posted on the goings-on approximately once a year, but mostly it's like, "guess who just got married? (and you weren't invited)" and "guess who just had a baby (which you know nothing about)."

At least I still had my law school friends, right? Well, once law school was over, those friends drifted away. (What's up with this? Am I a social leper?! Nah, I just live in New Jersey.) I've got two "ride or die" friends left -- one from college and one from grade school -- and they both live far, far away from me. And I wouldn't trade those two for that whole group of friends from back home.

So now it's mostly me and my boyfriend (who is now in law school himself, by the way). Anyway, I feel your pain, and you're not alone, and law school makes everything suck. And you are SO not being a "big baby" about this!

Laura said...

Sorry to dig up a post on a sore subject.... and I really should read what the other comments say before leaving one myself.... but you know a lot of times the invites are up to the girl. And, okay, I might have skimmed a tiny bit while reading the post so I don't know how CLOSE you might be with the girl. But I can totally see a teeny bit of jealousy or insecurity standing in the way of her putting your name on an invitation. But I could be wrong.